I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
and I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
I'm HAPPY, dammit!
Woke up this morning to a less than positive horoscope which was eerily on target today, sighed over the empty pillow next to me, fought a bad case of the short-timers syndrome and went to work. Ugh!!!!
What a day! What a stupid, wasted, panicky horrid day! I'm happy, dammit! Why can't the minutuae of my life get with the program?
Reasons for happiness?
1. Headed south to be with Nameless for the rest of forever...as I told him (plagarizing Trace Adkins like a big hairy dog) "I can't swear that I'll be here for the rest of your life, but I swear I'll love you for the rest of mine."
2. Got a job interview with Waste Management in Hobe Sound. Really have to sell myself which generally isn't a problem, but I sure am panicky about this. I want it and need it too badly and that's not healthy.
3. Still working with a week-long glow of constant Nameless company. A week of playing it by ear, going with the flow and just being with my friend...sublime is not a good enough word, but its the only one I can think of.
4. I learned how to say "I love you" in Cherokee...just in case my Irish Injun doesn't understand the other 23 ways I tell him...LOL
5. Work isn't as bad--I don't get aggravated because I know there's an end in sight and that's hope gleaming up ahead and not a train wreck coming towards me. This makes me happy because I know I'm so much more than this and I'm going to be able to find that somewhere else, I just know it.
So the evil winds are whirling around me, buffetting, tossing, turning me every which way but the one I want to go in. Bad tires, low funds, job interview 9 hours away during end of month, sore body, angry loved ones...a plethora of Pandora's Box inhabitants...me being me, I listen to them and project them on to the "happy" things, allowing the panic to take over and color everything with the "ick"...
Then a little voice whispers in my ear "baby, relax, breathe, quit panicking--its gonna work out"...I trust that voice more than I trust that the sky is blue, so I do...and I breathe, and smile and pray and thank God for the "happy"...I try not to believe in it unreservedly just in case my castles tumble out of the sky, but deep down, I have no choice...I want it to badly.
So in a nutshell, I'm happy, dammit! I need to learn to live with that...foreign concept that it is.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
What I Want...
I'm a great one for reading in between the lines and reading or hearing what it is I think other people are saying. It's usually been a gift for me because I don't just listen to the words, I watch the body language, sensing the nuances in the tone and filter through the bullshit that way. The problem is, when I'm dealing with someone who's not a talker, I'm at a loss since I don't have a jumping off point to form my thoughts. Its a pain.
Unhappily, I need words for reassurance. I understand that some people are "actions speak louder than words" kind of folks, but occasionally I need to be told what I'm sensing through body language. When you live with liars, you learn not to trust that inner radar. There's not a more bitter pill to swallow than for someone to kiss you sweetly 5 minutes before you overhear him whispering over the phone to someone else how much he loves them.
I want reassurance that's it not just me, that I'm not in love by myself and that everything that's tumbling around my brain like a hamster on a wheel is a mirror image of yours.
So kiss me...but tell me why; wake up next to me and tell me how happy that makes you; tell me our plans over and over and over until I believe them with all my heart. That's what I want.
I want reassurance--
I want trust--
I want joy--
I want you...
Monday, May 9, 2011
25 Random Things
1. I love blogging especially about random things that just strike me as funny.
2. I think I'm a sociopath, because I'm not generally bothered with a conscience.
3. I say the Lord's Prayer when I am taking off in an airplane and when I am landing.
4. The reason I don't drink wine is because of a certain episode involving a lot of gallon jug red wine, broccoli and worshipping the porcelain God.
5. I consider my sister my oldest baby.
6. I love to watch the history channel and The Discovery Channel.
7. My favorite person is my sister...she just gets me, and loves me anyway.
8. I love English movies, all English movies. I want to live in England so bad!
9. I play a lot of computer card games.
10. I am a planner and a list maker, though I seldom follow them.
11. I got a 28 on my ACT.
12. I have a near photographic and phonographic memory
13. I am an excellent speller.
14. I have been told I am a poor sport when it comes to playing board games
15. I continue to eat spicy foods even though they aggravate my ghost gallbladder
16. I think I'm entering a midlife crisis and it doesn't look like its going to be pretty.
17. I think about my Dad all the time and I think he's probably disappointed in my choices which makes me a little sad.
18. I was an Alpha Phi in college.
19. Body odor makes me want to vomit
20. I identify with sad love songs too much.
21. I'm not a very happy person.
22. I love internet networking, because I found my long lost niece and some old friends.
23. I love giving gifts and doing little random acts of whatever. I love to make people smile.
24. I'm scared of being alone.
25. I internalize my emotions too much with the result that I have stress induced dermatitis, ulcers and headaches...but imagine if I turned all that out on those who deserve it?
.
2. I think I'm a sociopath, because I'm not generally bothered with a conscience.
3. I say the Lord's Prayer when I am taking off in an airplane and when I am landing.
4. The reason I don't drink wine is because of a certain episode involving a lot of gallon jug red wine, broccoli and worshipping the porcelain God.
5. I consider my sister my oldest baby.
6. I love to watch the history channel and The Discovery Channel.
7. My favorite person is my sister...she just gets me, and loves me anyway.
8. I love English movies, all English movies. I want to live in England so bad!
9. I play a lot of computer card games.
10. I am a planner and a list maker, though I seldom follow them.
11. I got a 28 on my ACT.
12. I have a near photographic and phonographic memory
13. I am an excellent speller.
14. I have been told I am a poor sport when it comes to playing board games
15. I continue to eat spicy foods even though they aggravate my ghost gallbladder
16. I think I'm entering a midlife crisis and it doesn't look like its going to be pretty.
17. I think about my Dad all the time and I think he's probably disappointed in my choices which makes me a little sad.
18. I was an Alpha Phi in college.
19. Body odor makes me want to vomit
20. I identify with sad love songs too much.
21. I'm not a very happy person.
22. I love internet networking, because I found my long lost niece and some old friends.
23. I love giving gifts and doing little random acts of whatever. I love to make people smile.
24. I'm scared of being alone.
25. I internalize my emotions too much with the result that I have stress induced dermatitis, ulcers and headaches...but imagine if I turned all that out on those who deserve it?
.
Planning my Life
I've spent most of life planning on the future...a future where'd I'd be happy and successful and content but mostly just happy. When I left home, when the girls grew up, when I left my season of discontent...plans, plans, plans--plans on when I'd begin living my life.
All that planning finally paid off...I was happy and content, finally at peace with all those crazy plans I'd been writing down on scraps of paper, burying in angsty poems and whispering into every little prayer I prayed before bed each night. Happy with a capital "H".
But you have to be careful with how you plan things and how you wish and hope and pray for them. When I planned my life around being happy one day, I failed to have a backup plan for when it didn't last...I only asked to be happy for 'once in my life'...I didn't specify how long that 'once' was supposed to last. So shame on me for not being grateful that my plans and prayers were answered...shame on me for believing happy was forever.
So I'm back to planning my life. Planning a finish to an education that will prepare me for a career that will satisfy me...planning a home where empty walls stand...planning a future with nothing in sight to look forward to. Yay, I have plans again! I plan to wake up tomorrow and go to work where I don't feel valued or special; I plan to come home after work, sit at my computer and play card games with no one; I plan to cook boxed macaroni and cheese and maybe scrape up enough coins for a soda. I plan to be here in the here and now, because planning any further than tomorrow breaks my heart every day and it doesn't heal nearly as fast as it used to.
"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.”...now that's something to look forward to, isn't it?
The end result of your life here on earth will always be the sum total of the choices you made while you were here—So do I want to say that I waited my whole life to make choices that got me nothing and nowhere I wanted to be?
I want to live my life...why is that so much to ask?
All that planning finally paid off...I was happy and content, finally at peace with all those crazy plans I'd been writing down on scraps of paper, burying in angsty poems and whispering into every little prayer I prayed before bed each night. Happy with a capital "H".
But you have to be careful with how you plan things and how you wish and hope and pray for them. When I planned my life around being happy one day, I failed to have a backup plan for when it didn't last...I only asked to be happy for 'once in my life'...I didn't specify how long that 'once' was supposed to last. So shame on me for not being grateful that my plans and prayers were answered...shame on me for believing happy was forever.
So I'm back to planning my life. Planning a finish to an education that will prepare me for a career that will satisfy me...planning a home where empty walls stand...planning a future with nothing in sight to look forward to. Yay, I have plans again! I plan to wake up tomorrow and go to work where I don't feel valued or special; I plan to come home after work, sit at my computer and play card games with no one; I plan to cook boxed macaroni and cheese and maybe scrape up enough coins for a soda. I plan to be here in the here and now, because planning any further than tomorrow breaks my heart every day and it doesn't heal nearly as fast as it used to.
"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.”...now that's something to look forward to, isn't it?
The end result of your life here on earth will always be the sum total of the choices you made while you were here—So do I want to say that I waited my whole life to make choices that got me nothing and nowhere I wanted to be?
I want to live my life...why is that so much to ask?
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sniffle, sniffle
Last night, I waved goodbye, now it seems years
I'm back in the city, where nothin' is clear
But thoughts of me, holdin' you, bringin' us near
And tell me
When will our eyes meet?
When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearnin' end?
And when will I hold you again?
Time in New England, took me away
Long rocky beaches and you by the bay
We started a story whose end must now wait
And tell me
When will our eyes meet?
When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearnin' end?
And when will I hold you again?
I feel the change comin', I feel the wind blow
I feel brave and daring!, I feel my blood flow, oh
With you I could bring out all the love that I have
With you there's a heaven, so earth ain't so bad
And tell me
When will our eyes meet?
When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearnin' end?
And when will I hold you again?
Again
I'm back in the city, where nothin' is clear
But thoughts of me, holdin' you, bringin' us near
And tell me
When will our eyes meet?
When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearnin' end?
And when will I hold you again?
Time in New England, took me away
Long rocky beaches and you by the bay
We started a story whose end must now wait
And tell me
When will our eyes meet?
When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearnin' end?
And when will I hold you again?
I feel the change comin', I feel the wind blow
I feel brave and daring!, I feel my blood flow, oh
With you I could bring out all the love that I have
With you there's a heaven, so earth ain't so bad
And tell me
When will our eyes meet?
When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearnin' end?
And when will I hold you again?
Again
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A little blatant persuasion...
Dear Nameless,
There are so many reasons you could come up here for vacation and I'm sure you're not thinking of half of them. So in the truly selfless way I have of of persuading you to do something you're not 100% sure of, I've decided to make a list of 10 things you may not have thought of and which I think you need to be aware for your decision making process:
1. The beach...of course!
2. Macaroni & cheese...
3. Your friend Sharon..
4. That really cool fishing museum we didn't get to go to last time...
5. Sunsets on the beach
6. ...with your friend Sharon..
7. The best sushi in Florida from what I hear (you know I don't eat bait, but I'll watch you while I enjoy a lovely salad...)
8. Destin night life, at least once...
9. Getting some much needed peace and rest...
10. With the one who loves you...
Ten very good reasons...I did notice that no mention of misplaced ego or pride was listed? So it shouldn't be considered...LOL
There are so many reasons you could come up here for vacation and I'm sure you're not thinking of half of them. So in the truly selfless way I have of of persuading you to do something you're not 100% sure of, I've decided to make a list of 10 things you may not have thought of and which I think you need to be aware for your decision making process:
1. The beach...of course!
2. Macaroni & cheese...
3. Your friend Sharon..
4. That really cool fishing museum we didn't get to go to last time...
5. Sunsets on the beach
6. ...with your friend Sharon..
7. The best sushi in Florida from what I hear (you know I don't eat bait, but I'll watch you while I enjoy a lovely salad...)
8. Destin night life, at least once...
9. Getting some much needed peace and rest...
10. With the one who loves you...
Ten very good reasons...I did notice that no mention of misplaced ego or pride was listed? So it shouldn't be considered...LOL
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