Planning my Life

I've spent most of life planning on the future...a future where'd I'd be happy and successful and content but mostly just happy. When I left home, when the girls grew up, when I left my season of discontent...plans, plans, plans--plans on when I'd begin living my life.
All that planning finally paid off...I was happy and content, finally at peace with all those crazy plans I'd been writing down on scraps of paper, burying in angsty poems and whispering into every little prayer I prayed before bed each night. Happy with a capital "H".
But you have to be careful with how you plan things and how you wish and hope and pray for them. When I planned my life around being happy one day, I failed to have a backup plan for when it didn't last...I only asked to be happy for 'once in my life'...I didn't specify how long that 'once' was supposed to last. So shame on me for not being grateful that my plans and prayers were answered...shame on me for believing happy was forever.
So I'm back to planning my life. Planning a finish to an education that will prepare me for a career that will satisfy me...planning a home where empty walls stand...planning a future with nothing in sight to look forward to. Yay, I have plans again! I plan to wake up tomorrow and go to work where I don't feel valued or special; I plan to come home after work, sit at my computer and play card games with no one; I plan to cook boxed macaroni and cheese and maybe scrape up enough coins for a soda. I plan to be here in the here and now, because planning any further than tomorrow breaks my heart every day and it doesn't heal nearly as fast as it used to.
"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.”...now that's something to look forward to, isn't it?
The end result of your life here on earth will always be the sum total of the choices you made while you were here—So do I want to say that I waited my whole life to make choices that got me nothing and nowhere I wanted to be?
I want to live my life...why is that so much to ask?