What makes a good Saturday...

I'm killing time, chilling out, etc and thought it was time for a happy, fun-filled blog instead of the doomsday stuff I've been putting out the last week. Nameless pointed out that it was the week before my "friend" came to town and that might be why I'm such a bitch. Of course, he didn't say I was being a bitch, I think he used "grouchy", "out of sorts", "grouchy" again...I know, but its his favorite word when it comes to me...long story, another blog. After jumping on his case about telling me I needed to "chill and take a Midol"--which earned him a shrieked "Nameless James", I had to admit that he was right. So I've decided to relax, NOT take a Midol and think about what makes an awesome Saturday up in here Fort Walton Beach (just to differentiate that it would be entirely different in Port St. Lucie.)

1) Chinese food delivery with a minimum...it meant I had to order THREE different things so that I will get a taste of everything with a little left over for the Bear. Chicken chow mein (that no soft noodle, you know, vegable lice only...crack me up!), General Tso chicken (you sewer you want hot...you want Merican hot or Thai hot...my butt begged for Merican hot) and pork lo mein....Yum, fat ass, yum...


2) Catching some rays by the pool--depends on if the sun's still out and working when I get home

3) Watching movies that I've seen before over and over...but its such fun. Of course, I don't have anyone to recite the dialogue with, but its still fun.

4) Deep condition my hair--how often do you get to run around with your hair looking like you swam through an oil slick? Good times, healthy hair...win-win situation

5) Talk/text Nameless all day til he gets bored and swears he either fell asleep or his phone isn't working...I'm on to him and I don't think he knows it. Even though he appreciates my intelligence, I don't think he really pays much attention to it. I think he could do 'dumb'...in fact, I know he could...hee hee, I'll pay for that one LOLOLOLOL

6) Maybe paint my toes? I wish I were girlier, but the whole painting toenails plucking eyebrow thing just isn't me....BUT it's flip-flop weather so paint I shall. I just prefer someone do it for me.

7) Send Nameless music from Amazon with the words "listen to this, it makes me think of you"...I'm sending Andy Gibb today because of the Midol crack...suck it up, dude, you deserve it LOL

8) Make cookies? Seems a little ambitious, but I might try.

9) I was going to say clean my room, but that only makes a good day for Sara.

10) Maybe work on a quilt...I haven't touched it in years, literally, I don't think except to take it out and look at the fabric and put it back in.

That's what would make a good Saturday...but I am working so I don't know how much of it will happen...good

What I’ve Learned in 45 years…

1. Tomorrow’s not another day…tomorrow is the same as today, but with a surprise.. It’s usually just a Cracker Jack tattoo prize, rarely something worth opening.

2. Food can be left out over night and eaten the next morning WITHOUT killing you.

3. Babies only smell good when company comes over.

4. I enjoy creating for the process and not the product, hence my unfinished quilts and scrapbooks.

5. Don’t judge people

6. There’s no accounting for taste…

7. Looking before you jump isn’t such a bad idea after all.

8. Loneliness leads to bad decisions

9. Gardenias smell so good they make your heart swell

10. Not everyone eats liver and onions but they should

11. I’m a good person (I think, been told occasionally) but when I’m done, I’m done. There is no forgiveness and no second chances.

12. False hope is worse than no hope at all

13. People are as blind as they choose to be

14. It is possible to be in love all by your damn self

15. The people who have a true sense of self are a minority

16. You know when you know. I never understood that, until I knew

17. Whole grains and fruit are great, but I can’t eat it everyday. I want a corn dog

18. Crazy people have a better idea of how crazy they are then we give them credit for

19. Men were made to open doors, open jars and check oil…nekkid twister is just a perk

20. Honesty is a gift and a skill. Not everyone is talented.

21. Disco music makes you WANT to move

22. You can stretch one pound of hamburger for 3 days when you’re young and poor, but a 5 pound roll isn’t enough to feed 4 people when you’re not

23. If I had to give up television (movies included) or music, I’d choose movies. The music would fire my imagination…who needs more.

24. People who don’t read for pleasure have no joy in their lives and it makes me sad for them

25. You never really get over the loss of a loved one. My Dad's been gone almost 10 years and its as gut-wrenching now as it was then.

26. A proper frame of mind is imperative to any undertaking. Without it life sucks and you fail.

27. I look terrible in white

28. I always said I’d never regret anything I did in my life, but I do occasionally
look back at some things I’ve done and wince.

29. Watching your own child give birth is more terrifying than doing it yourself.

30. True friends last forever and come from the most unusual places.

31. I have a messy chaotic mind and a messy chaotic bedroom. This shouldn’t surprise anyone.

32. New shoes can ease almost any pain.

33. I wish adult Sharon could tell little Sharon that she would grow up to be confident and secure in herself even if it’s not true 100% of the time. She'd grow up believing it and it would be true.

34. Everyone says love is worth working for, sacrificing for, etc. I think if it feels like work and sacrifice, it’s probably not worth it.

35. Men shouldn’t wear baggy pants and go commando…its unattractive and much worse than camel toe

36. Writing letters that you never intend to send is good therapy

37. When you clear your conscience at someone else’s expense, it doesn’t really do you any good

38. So many lives are ruined in the pursuit of mediocre ass

39. Adults should get into Disneyland ½ price instead of kids…it’s for them, not us…give us a break!

40. Just an observation, but when someone comes up to you and says “we need to talk”, there’s a fair chance there is no WE involved.

41. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl, but I wish I could embrace a nice shade of gray once in awhile

42. People have a much skewed idea that meek means weak.

43. "My Big Fat Greek Wedding” is one of the funniest movies EVER made.

44. Family is vital

45. I would do some things differently, not saying what, but I know I would.

Thoughts before bed...

Disclaimer: I use very bad words in this one, so be aware

1) I am an unsympathetic human being
2) Working on a couple of dialogues in my head. Perfecting the delivery and all that is important, you know.
3) When someone tells you that they’ll call you right back, stay by the phone
4) Calgon! Take me away!
5) Puff, puff, pass…it’s just fun to say 
6) Knights in shining armor atop noble white steeds, dragons and trolls slain willy-nilly…since when are fairy tales too much to ask?
7) The moment you realize that all you were was a time filler is a major ‘WTF’ moment.
8) Personal aggravation leads to extreme irritation and to major “blowing things out of proportion” syndrome.
9) I need to start a support group –‘Over-reactors Anonymous…where we take shit personal’
10) Would it be easier if I wore a sign that said “go away, I hate you today”?
11) I’m hungry, I think I want crackers
12) Never make someone a priority who barely makes you an option.
13) Love doesn’t mean the same thing to everybody…to some it means forever, to others it means for now.
14) Is that punch in the chest feeling a sign of yet another panic attack or the result of that stupid organ of mine fracturing again for the same God damned reason?!!!
15) How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer…I’m reacting betrayed right now…stupid me.
16) It’s funny when you try to do the right thing for people and they get all offended (maybe I’m just tactless)
17) People who are educated beyond their intelligence frustrate me
18) I am extremely proud of how steady my voice stayed…
19) Sleep? Hah, I scoff at sleep! There will be plenty of time to sleep when I’m dead, right, Nameless?
20) I miss my Dad…
21) I understand why you won’t write somebody a love song coz they asked for it, but I would totally do it because someone needed it.
22) Tagament, Pepto-Bismol and water for dinner…
23) I love reading Maeve Binchy—she’s so Irish
24) Feeling dead right now or maybe that’s just wishful thinking? Woo hoo, that means I can sleep, right?
25. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck….be careful when asking a question, you silly bitch, coz you might not like the answer.

Nameless Junkie

So I'm walking around the bookstore, wired on a huge caffeinated something, talking to Nameless and it hits me. No, not the 3000 mg of caffeine this one drink has but WHY Nameless is necessary...because that's what he is...necessary. One word kept coming to mind while we talked...well two, but nekkid isn't why he's necessary--appreciated, yes, necessary, no. That word was 'intensity'. His lust for life, relish for action, thirst for knowledge...all of that stuff that makes him the incredible man he is comes through at such intensity that no one who is around him can stay unaffected. And strong empath that I am, it fills me with such force, it can make me dizzy and weak or daring and powerful...or a extremely wicked bitch, depends on the day.

Now, I know he's reading this and going 'we weren't having an intense conversation' and no, we weren't. We were just talking about our days, just chit-chatting; I was looking for yet another diet book and he was helping (600 miles away on his computer) when he brought to my attention that I was talking a hundred miles a minute, thoughts zooming like zephyrs (how'd you like my alliteration there?) and I had to grin to myself, because that's the effect he has on me. Yes...I know, the coffee didn't exactly slow me down, but I know the difference between caffeine zing and Nameless zing.

Moving around so much when I was younger, I never really got the opportunity to latch on to anyone or anything long enough to give a shit. I perfected ambivalence at an early age. I wasn't laid back or 'cool with it' or easy-going...I just flat out couldn't be bothered to care.

...and then Nameless became himself and waged war on my nonchalance.

Now, Nameless is anything BUT laid back. He may say he is and he can protest to High Heaven that's he's just chillin' and casual and relaxed...he fibs. He is one of the most INTENSE people I know...about EVERYTHING and its like crack to me-- my own personal brand of heroin, to quote Edward.

I know he's reading this and thinking to himself 'I don't know what to say about that' (drives me nuts by the way) but its the truth. It's like being in stasis all your life and then BOOM! Firing on all 8 cylinders, world shaking, lightening bolts...I'm mixing my metaphors like crazy, but the point is coming across, I'm sure.
So, the point of this little diatribe, my darling Nameless, is this...for every suck ass day like yesterday (my apologies for my insanity again), I had a snorkel day. Even if I had a month of suck ass days for ever snorkel day, it would be worth it.

You are my wish...

You are the hour I first believed...

Coz I'm a junkie and you're my fix.

A take on quotes that appealed to me when I couldn't sleep--

1. The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation
...but the majority whine really loud.

2. See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. ~Pope John XXIII
You can tell the Pope's a man and not a Clarke...just sayin'

3. Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.
See, o' people who need smacking in the worst way?? You thought I was just ignoring you...I'm actually doing you a favor. I am SUCH a thoughtful person...coz you must be FREAKIN' thrilled!

4. Owning your burdens is half the battle
...but I'll loan you mine for half price.

5. Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
Again, where's the fun in this? Again, this person has NO Clarke blood in them whatsoever. I am Donna Quixote and I'll create a dragon, battle, war, what have you, coz a life lived in peace and harmony...sounds a little boring.

6. Don't look where you fall, but where you slipped. ~African Proverb
My thinking is that is was a big pile of sh*t...that's what usually makes my stumble.

7. Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it anyway.
Hmmm, I don't know about that. I have a few enemies who are still believing some weak-assed explanations I gave them a day or two ago...or maybe they're just really, really STUPID...yeah, that's the ticket!

8. Whatever you are be a good one. ~Abraham Lincoln
Oh, I am, I very, very am...:-)

9. I don't rent space to anyone in my head.
Okay, those who know and love me know that's there's no room left when all the girls are in residence. Seriously though, if I question my own ideas and thoughts and judgements on a regular basis, why in the Hell would I put some other ya-hoo's crap up there to sort through as well...

10. The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by other people's rules, while quietly playing by your own. ~Michael Korda
This would have been one of those good things to know back in the day, coz you know what? The only people who lose out on the game of life are the ones who regularly play fair by the rules someone else has set. Cheaters win AND I don't believe they feel bad about it later when they're trying to sleep or when they have to look in the mirror. I think they manage just fine....COZ THEY WON!!!!!

Well then, that's my blurb for the day. Hope you enjoy it!
.

I've never been more Homesick than now...

Just thoughts about home—not a house—but the home where your heart is. I’d finally found a safe and happy place of my own after so many years of being homeless only to face the dismal reality that I am still just a renter. I can make my plans, rearrange my furniture, even pick out paint swatches, but in the long run its still not mine.

Home, by definition is “the place where something is discovered, founded, developed, or promoted; a source.” That’s a little dry for something that means so much but its fairly accurate. My sense of this is definition is when you finally come home for real, you find yourself, you establish a security that you didn’t know you lacked; you develop as a person, not changing per se, but if it’s a real home, your flaws can become strengths and your strengths become necessary to someone else. You promote love and friendship and help; your home becomes the source of your joy.

A few quotes on Home with my own little twist—

Home is not where you live but where they understand you. ~Christian Morgenstern
It was so fricking awesome to find someone I didn’t share a bloodline with who ‘got’ me…even if it made them look at me oddly when they thought I wasn’t looking. I miss that.

Peace - that was the other name for home. ~Kathleen Norris
I think that’s what I miss about my Home…that calm serenity even while I was dashing to and from on my important business…funny thing about important business? It loses it importance when put on the tally sheet with the really important things…So now my peace is non-existent and my entire self cries out for it every minute of every hour of every day.

Where we love is home, Home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.
~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., Homesick in Heaven
It’s a shame, really. Whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder needs to be bitch slapped in my opinion…absence makes the heart weak and unstable and frail…just like a Home that’s been left empty whilst its inhabitants have gone to find themselves.

Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms. ~William J. Bennett
So basically, I’m adrift. Tiny showers,, n’oreasters, tsunamis…not even a lean –to for shelter anymore. I know that a real home can stand time and distance and adversity…and therein lies the rub.

Not going home is already like death. E. Catherine Tobler,
And so every day that I say hello and goodbye, I die that little death…each time I pop in a Lean Cuisine or watch the sun set on the Gulf or walk the men’s department at Old Navy… Cada día, una pequeña muerte.

In my next life, maybe I’ll warrant a castle…

Completely Random Thoughts - Part 2

1) Apparently, when I want to talk to people, it's not as important

2) Even if people whose opinions I value, either for its honesty or insight, like something, it doesn’t help if I’m in the middle of a hair crisis.

3) I’m not vain, I’m self-conscious, there’s a difference.

4) God made puppies irresistible.

5) Uniform pants…sigh, not every man can wear them with impunity.

6) From what I have observed lately, a guilty conscience can be a motherf*cker—glad I’m not afflicted.

7) Boy, I miss my digital camera.

8) My granddaughter has enough personality for 3 grown drag queens.

9) Body language…..hmmm, fact or fiction?

10) Passive/aggressive behavior is the coward’s way out.

11) I may be a packrat…

12) The Explorer needs a new fuel filter.

13) My laundry pile no longre faintly resembles an Indian burial mound

14) I’m really not feeling the snowman orgy this year, but I’ll give it one last go.

15) Even if you don’t want to say ‘no’, if you don’t say ‘yes’, then in fact, you are saying ‘no’ by default. Not being brave enough to face the fall out is no excuse to be evasive. And, in fact, by not being forthcoming, you have indeed precipitated the event you were hoping to avoid.

16) Nameless gives me pause sometimes with his inability (or unwillingness) to be forthright with me on what he considers my 'emotional dynamite'...little do he know the longer it sits, the bigger it will boom when it happens...just sayin...

17) My bedroom is no longer disgusting just a skoosh unfortunate.

18) Out of sight, out of mind only works if you have a crappy memory.

19) I need to see the ocean, MY ocena, the Atlantic--something indescribably beautiful and serene and soul-settling.

20) Hate is a horrible, sordid word; sadly, it is still the only word I’m working with sometimes.

21) Work has been balls so far today.

22) Blood is thicker than water…always. No matter the length of time or the depth of allegiance, there is no loyalty among strangers.

23) Andy Griffith is quality televison as is M*A*S*H.

24) He thought he had found a ‘hot tamale’ when what he really ended up with was a ‘pig in a blanket’…lol, found that on a website and it made me giggle.

25) PMS equals lots of food, bitchy attitude and the deep dark—good week to be me!

26) I can wear ivory, or cream, or ecru, but not white. Does that make me a fall or a winter?

27) Not terribly thirsty today.

28) I want a new vampire book.

29) According to the fashion guru (that would be my sister) women over 30 should not wear tube tops and mini skirts—but I want a tube top.

30) Slight headache behind my right eye and it is ouchie...maybe that's why my eye keeps twitching?

31) Someone told me the other day that I worry about what other people think too much—I don’t think I do, I just don’t live in a self-involved, egocentric bubble where I can afford to let #3 (the real Sharon) out to play. Sometimes it really sucks to be me, but that’s the price of living in a society with some rules.

Late night randoms...

I took a nap, therefore I am awake...sigh...

1) Funny how my bedroom get so messy...it's only me. The elves (meaning Sara) fear for their lives and won't set foot in there. Cowards...

2) Sweet tea and BLTs (sans L and T) are as awesome at midnight as they are in the morning.

3) I saw a movie once that said and I quote "if you walk on a beach and have a steady hand with the polish, you'll never need a pedicure"...have to call B.S. on that one. I walk on the beach and my feet feel like sandpaper or brillo pads or other scratchy stuff I can't think of right now because its late...and my polish looks like crap...damn beach.

4) I love reading comments on things I write, especially when its from my near and dear. If I could bottle that ego-stroking, the world would never need Xanax. So for those of you who comment (either here or on my facebook or on the phone--Nameless, of course), I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For those who don't...you too shall be lured to the dark side...moo ahahahahahahahah (that's an evil laugh, but I don't know how to write it)

5) At the bottom of these blog drafts, there is a place to add labels to my posts...I guess that's easy when you stick to a theme, but I don't think I have a theme. And NO, Nameless, "rant" is not a theme (shaking my head at Nameless). On this one, I guess I can tag 'beach' 'pedicure' 'Xanax' 'draft'...hee hee...when people type in one of those words in a search engine, can you imagine their faces when they wind up with THIS? Now THAT'S a hardee har har if there ever was one.

6) Best friends from your youth are the best ones to have in your life, even if its in a very peripheral way. They remember you as you were, young, idealistic, motivated, etc. They were there when the castles in the sand were being built over late night ice cream and amaretto sours (it was Texas, we were legal...hush) and for them, it was all going to come true for you. That's one of the things I love about Facebook. I know there are people out there who go on and on ad nauseum about Facebook being the Devil and full of drama and B.S., but those people aren't using it like I do, or like most of the people I know do. I use it to stay in touch with family and friends I never see and find out how their lives are; I use it to connect to family I've never had an opportunity to know in person. And I use it to stalk old boyfriends from high school...I'm not COMPLETELY dull LOL

7) I've rethought the whole black string bikini thing and went out and bought a tankini instead. Even though I know I probably won't see those people again, I just feel weird about waddling down to the water from my blanket with all of THIS exposed. Besides, I have to think of the children...

8) Just talked myself out of another BLT...I feel quite virtuous in my self-denial. Show of hands if anyone thinks it will last.

9) Setting my goal when I start writing for a list of at least 10 items to make it worthwhile for myself and my readers seemed like a good idea at the time, but I didn't take into account that I would be doing this because I couldn't sleep since I took a really long afternoon nap that lasted 'til almost midnight and might not be as creative (and long-winded) as I am naturally inclined to be. This is a space-filler, much like the words 'very' and 'simply' when writing schools papers that require 1000 words or more, remember those?

10) Plan of action tomorrow...go to the beach and work on the tan, do laundry, clean my room (damn elves), pine for Nameless, maybe make cookies and start my diet..again...after all, it will be Sunday.

Happy Easter, folks!

Ten Guilty Pleasures

I'm sitting here trying to think of a topic to blog about that will make everyone laugh and say 'yep, you're right" rather than "Poor Sharon" or "Sharon, Sharon, pity party of one". It's harder now than it was when I worked at Apple Machine or lived the day to day life of a Jerry Springer hopeful. Although I thank God and everything for that no longer being the case, I am sitting here thinking my well of bullshit has been drained dry...I KNOW! Say it ain't so! But there you are...I can't talk about someone who shall remain nameless (although I don't know why he needs to remain nameless but it was an issue so nameless he shall be--a blog for another time, I'm thinking) or the fact that I really DO NOT adore north Florida in any shape or form or how badly I miss my life (another blog writing itself, trust me) or about the HORRIFIC dates I've been on that ended with me telling folks either to their face or via text (less mess) "you're not NAMELESS"...oooo weee, talk about a tangent!

So....Ten Guilty Pleasures

1) Taking a shower and then crawling back into bed when it's cold...I know that just sounds weird, but its so cuddly and yes, I'm not always fully dry and my hair never is, but its the most awesome thing.
2) Disco music--Bee Gees, Rod Stewart, Rick Dees...music that will make you get up and shake your booty--after checking that no one you know is around to actually hear you playing said music.
3) Playing computer card games and pretending its life and death and real money -- I'm a big nerd and it keeps my brain busy.
4) Ordering a venti Java Mocha Chip Frappucino with an extra shot from Starbucks...nummy!
5) Sloppy Joes--I can't have them in the house, I'll eat them all.
6) Buffy the Vampire Slayer
7) Margaritas with extra salt AND tequila...
8) Going in a card store like Hallmark and just spending hours reading cards
9) Trying on shoes even though I know I'm not going to buy them.
10) Spending an entire weekend watching reality TV like "Dual Survival" or "Deadliest Catch", eating summer sausage, cheese & cracker, wearing nothing but a T-shirt and a scrunchie. Good times!
There are other things like pedicures and Good & Plenty candies and using big words to people who are not going to understand them, but my list hits the highlights.

10 Reasons My Life Doesn't Suck--Part 1

Do I only blog when I’m unhappy? Do I only have interesting things to say when my little apple cart has been upset, or when I’m embroiled in a middle school psycho drama that is not of my own or on the odd occasion when my good intentions have been misunderstood as disrespectful and predatory? Hmmmm…

Therefore, once a week, I am going to do a “Top 10 Reasons My Life Doesn’t Suck” list. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

1. My family is mostly healthy and they are all beautiful except for that third cousin twice removed living in the Louisiana swamp on a pontoon boat slash modified half-wide with his baby mama and her mouth-breathing boyfriend. He’s not too cute, but he does the best he can with a lazy eye and his striking resemblance to a weiner dog.
2. No one close to me, including me, has been arrested this week.
3. I didn’t die in a fiery car crash going to or from work this week.
4. My hair has volume and is trendy. Everyone says so and if everyone says so, it must be true.
5. My bills are mostly paid.
6. I heard from all 3 of my daughters this week.
7. I have a job and I don’t currently hate it.
8. I know I am loved…it may not be said often or directly, but I know it for a fact and that’s all that matters. Well, it would be great if the person who loved me actually knew and believed it as well, but…semantics.
9. I didn’t freeze off any necessary body parts last weekend when I ill-advisedly stepped into the ocean.
10. I am the proud possessor of a black string bikini and about 20 pounds TOO much Sharon to wear it in public, yet I did and I do…that rocks….right? Like I’ll ever see those horror-stricken people again..pfft….

Looking back over this list is semi-depressing. I am lucky and blessed and I know it!

When Love Was Easy

Love was so much simpler when we were kids. There wasn’t a long drawn out study of the prospects around us, convenience and location were key. Did they sit next to us on the bus or in class? Was their house next door to us or was their sister our best friend? Then there was the moment when we realized it was true love. It could have been when little Joey pushed you on the swing to make you go higher than everyone else or when Sally with the pigtails and skinned knee broke her cookie in half to give part to you because your Mommy forgot yours that morning and you looked sad. Maybe it was Mike at the desk in front of you who said the Pledge of Allegiance really loud who always grabbed the pencil off your desk on his way to the pencil sharpener. Or when Theresa chose you for Red Rover every time because she thought you were the biggest and fastest. In any case, you knew when that moment happened—the world stood still, the birds sang and the bell rang early. Not having learned the intricacies of mature love yet, you pulled out a clean sheet of paper and a very sharp crayon and poured your feelings onto the paper, expressing all your love and joy at finding your heart’s desire. “I love you, do you love me? Check yes or no.” If you received a yes, oh happy day! You could look at each other in class, avoid each other at lunch, and then chase each other around the playground willy-nilly with a quickly snatched kiss covered in cooties. If you got a no…dismay, perhaps a punch in the arm and that was it. You moved on, you healed quickly because you KNEW. You knew that this particular person did not return your affection, you didn’t have to guess and play games, you just knew.
And if by chance your beloved found someone else? It was over, no second chances, no trying to work through it. She/he had moved on and you did too, after informing said cheater of their resemblance to a pig’s butt.
Nowadays we are all locked into the whys, wherefores and how’s of love. Love is a chore, a job, something to be worked out. I understand that anything worth having is worth working for, but where’s the joy? Where are the spontaneity and the excitement and the breathtaking soar to the top of the swing set? I want to know where the quick, openhearted response is to my simple question. A yes or a no, love shouldn’t be multiple choice, there shouldn’t be maybe, yes buts or no buts, no try again laters, just yes or no. As for sweet natured, cherub faced blonde with her own baseball glove, how nice it would be to kick her in the shin, snatch her bald and expose her to the world as the man-snatching strumpet that she is. So much easier than keeping a good face on, being a big girl and not a crybaby.
Anyway, that’s just my little rant on the complications of love.
As for my first love? He turned the clasp around on my necklace and told me make a wish. Then he pulled my hair and ran off to play hide and seek. Now, that’s love.

Epiphany #1

I had an epiphany. I can hear my loved one's blood start to boil and chill simultaneously as they begin to read this. I think it must be really hard on those who love me or claim they love me to actually do so, because I'm not really lovable. Actually, I'm quite difficult to form an attachment to that's lasting and meaningful. In my defense, that has only been applying for the last couple of years AND it not a self-description, but the description of those much better and smarter than me.

But I digress...as usual. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, my epiphany. I'm thinking that if my parents could raise me all over again, knowing what they know now, they would have done things different. All that squashing my natural outspokeness, my slight flares in temper, and need to call a spade a spade probably seemed like a good idea at the time. The careful pruning of my nature that turned me into the peace maker in the family, an Olympic-class mediator and general bull-shit swallower...eww, mental image. I guess that was needed in a big family where the father had a psycho temper, the mother was co-dependent and ambivalent and there were 4 children under the age of 6 plus numerous young cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents...all who had to be kept happy. It was like walking around in a shack full of dynamite with a lighted match in your hand...ah, childhood...good times. To this day a slammed door or stomping feet make me either want to explode or cower and try to make the angry person happy. Sucks to have a broken brain sometimes. So when I get the whys? from the family, you know, the 'why don't you, why couldn't you, why do yous'? , I just say "I am a product of my environment" and take absolutely no responsibility for my being a wimp assed bitch.

But I'm gradually finding myself. It's scary sometimes to see red and go ballistic...even if its just internal. I can be vocal at work or in public but not with the family still or those close to me. I blog. I scrapbook. I quilt. I get lost in books or music or movies. The same books...over and over; the same songs...over and over; the same movies...ditto. I start much, I finish little--broken brain. I deal with it. I go to the dark place, realign my chi and come back out, raring to go and loaded for bear.

One of these days, my conversations won't be preceded with the words "I was gonna tell her, but" or "It's a good thing I didn't" or "If they only knew" because I WILL tell and I WILL do and they WILL know. Oh, glorious day of awakening.... I can't wait until I grow some balls.

So basically, my epiphany is this... I wish I had had a different life....then maybe I wouldn't wish I were smarter, prettier, more confident, nicer, more patient, tolerant and forgiving. Instead I am a 45 year old grandmother with wrinkles, stubborn grey hair, dimples in my butt, impatient, unkind, hateful, bitter and tired.

I'm sure my mom doesn't sit around and gloat over the me that I am...I wonder do other people. I hope so because there's nothing worse than wasted effort and fruitless pursuits.

DISCLAIMER - no, no one has unkee-d with me, no one has hurt my little feelings, the voices aren't jacking with me, I'm not taking things out of context, no one has been mean, I'm not bent about something I've seen, heard or noticed when I was minding other peoples business instead of my own. I just need to vent a skoosh. Something happened today that made me disgusted with myself (really not important anymore- just one of those negligible 'I'm the only one who would have noticed it things' coz I overanalyze everything and I am SOOOOOOOOOO sensitive. (Note: if I were really THAT sensitive, wouldn't I be making life hell for the deserving every day?

One of these days things will be great...I know that. I couldn't have been that bad in a former life. At least I don't think I could have.

Setting the bar...

I do words—it’s what I do. My brain goes too fast sometimes for the words to always trip off my tongue like they’re meant too so that I stutter or mumble but it generally doesn’t slow me down. I have points to make, ideas to convey, pictures to paint…so, words. There have been VERY few times in my life when I’ve been at a loss for them. I had one of those times a few nights ago. Someone asked me what they had done to set the bar so high for me. I listened in disbelief as the uhhhs and ummms and errrrs came out of my mouth—MY mouth that’s usually so glib and sarcastic and garrulous--I was literally speechless.

I finished the rest of that meaningful conversation a great deal quieter than I had began it. With the silence, the wheels in my mind whirred madly, jumping and searching, seeking an answer to a question that I still couldn’t wrap my brain around.

I lay in bed after getting off the phone and kept flipping the words around; thinking maybe if I rearranged them or set them in a different pattern they might make sense. I tried adding different nuances to the phrase, stressing each word in turn to hear if it made a difference…”WHAT did I do to set the bar so high?”… ”what DID I do to set the bar so high?” ”what did I do to set the bar so HIGH?” ”what did I do to set the bar SO high?”…not a glimmer of understanding until I left out the “I” and put in a “you”. What did YOU do to set the bar so high? Same question, slightly different perspective and here’s your answer, sweetheart…YOU didn’t do anything, you just taught ME how to raise it.

I have learned that respect shouldn’t be demanded but given as my due. I understand now that MY radar isn’t faulty, just rusty. I’ve been shown that diamonds in the rough are still just as valuable as the ones all polished and set in rings. I’ve learned that I like being myself, my true self, the self only a handful of people in my life have been, as you put it, lucky enough to really know; trying to be anything other than that person is unfair to me and everyone around me. I’ve been taught to keep it simple, embrace spontaneity, grab life by the horns and hang on for dear life. I will never settle for boring or stupid or mean or disrespectful and petty EVER again. I’d rather do without than make do with less than I know I deserve.

So what did YOU do to set the bar so high? Nothing, babe, except stand behind me and steady me while I raised it myself and put it in place.

Thank you.